Moving On: Day#2

One man once said to me, “I will never give up…” Clearly, that’s not true because he gave up at the first sign of my weakness. Suddenly, it’s the distance, then the resources, then this and that. If he really won’t give up on me, he won’t no matter what happens. But the moment I said ‘goodbye,’ he said the same. And that got my heart broken.

I am tempted to ask God why pain should follow me when I already pointed out to him that I am ok being alone as soon as he took me out of the dark? But I try not to. My mentor/friend said faithlessness is one of the things that bring people to hell. It makes sense so I believe her.

Working is a drag. The weather is gloomy, with grey skies covering the horizon. It seems fitting. The occasional rainshowers make matters worse. My sister visited with her hubby and my niece today. She’s been convincing me to finance her Brazilian blow dry.

“Later, after work…”
“Yay! Really?”
“No, you fool.”
“Aweee…I know you’re lying!”
“Later…after work,” a faint smile.
“Why do you look so sad?”
“Maybe because I am?”
“Yeah, so….why?”
“It’s complicated.”

It’s pretty much a challenge to carry on a conversation with her but it helps to talk. I just could not tell her what really was bothering me. It would not matter. So I just asked her instead: “And what happened again?” I knew that look on her face.

“Oh, it’s bad news.”
“Of course, otherwise I won’t ask.”

And then the story goes. Sometimes, listening to other people’s problems helps deduce yours; that you are still lucky you are not in that position. My problem is not that big anyway. I just got rejected, disappointed, and broken hearted. The cause of my sadness is nothing compared to those of other people who don’t have homes and food for a whole day; or those that are out of school.

It is still sad, but I am trying to use the energy left in me to accomplish whatever the things I need to. I like my work, should I say works. My female client has me modifying websites; the other lets me design T-shirts and do other stuff  did not know was possible on the net. So I am learning.

My job with my former boss also was something I liked doing — social media stuff, writing, hyperlinks, and a bunch of other things. The website was my baby and I am honestly going to miss it. Too bad I can’t maintain a business relationship with him. He can do that. I can’t. It is easier for him to pretend that nothing happened while it would hurt me to see how our relationship went downhill. We did not really have a proper relationship but it was definitely more than employee-boss, which I miss so much.

It is too late now. I am pretty sure he can forget everything that easily because none of them mattered since the beginning. It meant nothing to him while it meant almost everything to me. I still prayed this morning for my faster ‘recovery’ and for his happiness and success as well. I know he is a good person and deserves the best things in life.

Meanwhile, I managed to finish some of the tasks assigned to me by my other client, who is 100% cool and kind. In fact, she allowed me to take a break tomorrow despite the workload. These people are blessings that we should never take for granted. It sucks to be taken for granted.

So I am just looking forward to meeting my friends again. We’ve been holding get-togethers for the past two weeks and I could not seem to get enough. Sometimes, when I am out, I don’t want to go back home or at least wait until it is almost midnight. The road has a different impact on my mood. It just gets better.

I tried to stay away from Skype of course, prevented myself from logging in. Just the sound of an incoming message ticks me so I muted them. Before, when I heard that sound, I would get excited. Things have changed now. And that is how far we’ve come.

I still miss him but I need to do what I gotta do to be able to move on. Days will be too slow but I believe soon enough, my heart will turn red again. My life will be back to the way it used to be, hopefully without my brain messing up with my behavior once in a while.

I know how my body chemistry works. I know very well what will happen to me so I try to get everything under control. I am not young anymore. Time is very limited when it comes to living so I need to get back on my feet fast. I need to forgive myself and forget what is gone…

I also contacted my friend who dragged me into setting up a new business but ‘went rogue.’ I was not mad at her but I just wish she told me her plans. It’s better than making me expect. We discussed matters, she was apologetic, and I was receptive. One ‘sorry’ can turn things around.

I think I just have to get used to family matters. I mean, I love them. Perhaps I got burnt out, they got into my nerves easily, in part due to my heart problems, but I love them so much. I just need more time…

Come what may. I am fearful and a little depressed but life must go on. It will go on. And I need to trust God no matter what. I will be over it very soon…

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Posted by on July 16, 2015 in Uncategorized


Moving On: Day #1

There was this particular conversation that I could never forget. When my long-time ex and I met for the last time, I poured my heart out and begged him to stay in my life…to love me again. He was my first in everything. Almost nine years after, I think, “why did I do that?” everytime I remember. I swallowed my pride and almost got on my knees in front of so many people just to convince one person to love me.

Things were never easy moving on. Everyday felt like hell on earth that I could not get up in the morning to fix myself and it’s torture to sleep at night. My work suffered and I was crying everywhere. What I felt was a combination of guilt, self-pity, loss, lack of self-worth, stupidity, and God knows what else. You will find me mostly at the church, just sitting there and hoping a miracle would happen. That time, I wanted to wake up realizing all the feelings were gone.

He was my first, remember. I thought he was the best there is and I did not want another. Just him. He is a wonderful person but it turns out he’s not that great after all.

Such horrible feeling led me to decide it was not gonna happen again. I will keep myself from falling for the wrong person and carefully choose the one that would give myself to. But, it did about three years later. I fell in love with a man who turned out to be gay. That was perhaps the reason why he knew exactly what to say everytime. Maybe I was an experiment. But we were inseparable buddies back in the office. When I realized I was falling already, I started to distance myself. He asked why and came even closer until we were kind of dating (in my mind at least). We would stroll amusement parks holding hands, and stuff that bf/gfs do…hang out I mean. We didn’t go beyond holding hands and eating out together and feeding each other in public. I was like: “What the heck! I don’t want to regret it.”

Of course it did not last for long. I gave him hints that I liked him and started to move away. I always seem to find love at work, so I decided to quit work to protect my feelings. I know it is a very immature way of dealing with things but I couldn’t think of any other way than run and hide. That was less painful and I recovered faster. It did not take me five years to finally forget…maybe just a few months. I enrolled in a caregiving class and it made things better. There’s a new plan inside my head.

My relatives in Canada told me they were gonna help me process my papers for faster entry. A new environment was waiting. I did my part only to find out they haven’t been doing theirs so I had no choice but to stay home and work instead. I did attempted to work on it on my own but the laws keep changing. I don’t want to go back to the office.

So I lived my life contented, free to do what I wanted to do, free to work, and just save for my future just in case I grow old alone. I was kind of in the process of accepting I was put on Earth to provide and just love people. I believed that home is the safest place I can be.

And then something happened. It was beautiful during the first few months. I met someone online and our professional relationship progressed to flirting. I didn’t see it coming. My first line: “God, what is this?” No answer of course. I planned to just enjoy it and never go so deep. But things went out of control. Now I just got off Skype to say farewell after almost one and a half years of semi-non-stop chatting.

It hurts now. I wanted to stay and see it through the end but the other party is clearly not intent on taking it to the next level. It’s all about the body and not the soul. I wanted to cover all elements and I have fallen in love. I know it’s not just with an idea but the whole thing. I talked to a wonderful person everyday during the first few months, he gave me a peek into his world, I gave him a peek into mine. Things were good but we had to face reality I guess and consider it’s just not meant to be. His fire has stopped burning while I keep my torch well-fueled with hopes and prayers.

I am in love. Of course I was hoping he would feel the same way. Maybe not now but in the future when we finally meet. I didn’t get to explore that possibility because we put an end to it. It’s the fear. I hate to blindside him as well. He migh feel kind of betrayed if I gave hime the impression that casual relationship is ok with me when it is really not.

Would you do what I did or take a chance and see how it works out? I am stupid, I know. But if this guy really likes me, he would have asked me to wait until we meet. Just that tiny inkling of hope would have convinced me to revoke my resignation; that willingness to see how everything works out. But he is decided to stay just for a few weeks, maybe two, and leave again without even considering. Pure flirting. Do I really want that?

Well, honestly, I am a very sensual person who would not reject two weeks of great sex? I just want to do it with someone I am hoping to be with for the rest of my life. With the way things are going, with his kind of mentality, I am not sure he would want the same. This is me protecting myself.

I expected too much and it’s all on me. He led me on in a way but perhaps that was normal where he comes from. I don’t know. Right now, I just want to be happy. So happy that I would forget that I had been so lonely once; so happy that I would forget about all the pain. I just want to forget…

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Posted by on July 15, 2015 in Life, Matters Of The Heart


PAALAALA: Huwag Po Tayong Maging Tanga

May mga bagay sa buhay natin na akala natin ‘yun na, hindi pa pala.

Nakilala mo ang isang magandang lalaki na mabait na, gentleman pa. Usap-usap, inom-inom, tawa-tawa. May similarities. May nangyari. Kinabukasan, wala na pala siya.

Pinagsanib ng halik, pinaghiwalay ng halik. At habang hinihintay mo siyang, bumalik, matagal na pala siyang nagpaalam. Hindi niya lang sinabing ‘Goodbye.’

May magagawa ka pa? Siguro, pwede mong ipagsaksakan ang sarili mo pero nasaan ang respeto? Hindi naman nila problema kung nasaktan ka. Unang-una, hindi ka naman pinilit; hindi ka nagpakipot.

PAALALA: Sa susunod, huwag uumpisahan ang isang bagay na hindi mo naman kayang tapusin. At huwag mo ring ipagpilitan ang isang bagay na tinapos na ng iba para sa iyo. Oks?

Sana ay kayang ibsan ng simpleng dasal ang lahat ng pagkakamali at pagkabagabag; ang pakalungkot at pag-iisa. Pero minsa, matagal-tagal din bago mawala.

Ang tangi mo lang naman na pwedeng gawin ay magmukmok at umiyak hanggang sa tuluyan kang makalimot. Pero subukan mo pa rin. Hinga lang nang malalim. Magdasal at humingi ng tawad.

Tao lang naman tayo. Minsan, o madalas, ay nagkakamali. kaya nga ginawa siguro ng Diyos ang ‘bukas’ dahil iba ang dating ng ‘brand new day.’ Parang lahat bago. Ang ibig sabihin ay may pagkakataon pa para itama ang lahat.

Ano ba nangyayari sa katawan habang natutulog. Ayon sa siyensiya, nagpapagaling ang mga cells sa katawan natin habang tayo ay natutulog. Umaandar pati ang metabolism kaya nga dumudumi sa umaga.

Sleeping is our body’s recovery phase.

Kinabukasan paggising, nawawala ang sakit. Pero hindi sinabing nabubura lahat ng alaala. Siguro, nagbabago lang ang pananaw natin sa mga nangyari nang nagdaang araw. Minsan, nagiging positibo. Minsan naman, negatibo.

Pero ang punto, darating ang panahon, lahat nang ito ay magiging mumunting ideya na lang. Hindi na kakainin ng mga masasakit na pangyayari ang oras mo. Kung hindi man din minsan ay madalas na mga taong nakikilala at nakilala mo ay dadaan lang para tulungan kang matuklasan ang ilang bagay-bagay tungkol sa iyong sarili. Hindi lahat sila ay magtatagal sa iyong buhay. Ang iba, isang araw lang o isang linggo. Ang iba, isang taon o isang dekada.

Pero kahit gayon man ay may maiiwan at maiiwan silang pitak sa iyong puso. Ito ang iyong tatandaan nang sa susunod na may dumaan, nag-hi, o kahit nag-I love you, mas magiging handa ka sa maaari nitong kalabasan.

Utang na loob. Huwag mong ibigay ang lahat-lahat. Paunti-unti lang muna. Umalis man sila, hindi ka masyadong nawalan. In short, huwag kang tanga, lalo na kung ang tanda-tanda mo na.

PS: Ang anekdotang ito ay hango sa mga tunay na pangyayari. Hello!? 😀

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Posted by on April 15, 2015 in Uncategorized

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