There was this particular conversation that I could never forget. When my long-time ex and I met for the last time, I poured my heart out and begged him to stay in my life…to love me again. He was my first in everything. Almost nine years after, I think, “why did I do that?” everytime I remember. I swallowed my pride and almost got on my knees in front of so many people just to convince one person to love me.
Things were never easy moving on. Everyday felt like hell on earth that I could not get up in the morning to fix myself and it’s torture to sleep at night. My work suffered and I was crying everywhere. What I felt was a combination of guilt, self-pity, loss, lack of self-worth, stupidity, and God knows what else. You will find me mostly at the church, just sitting there and hoping a miracle would happen. That time, I wanted to wake up realizing all the feelings were gone.
He was my first, remember. I thought he was the best there is and I did not want another. Just him. He is a wonderful person but it turns out he’s not that great after all.
Such horrible feeling led me to decide it was not gonna happen again. I will keep myself from falling for the wrong person and carefully choose the one that would give myself to. But, it did about three years later. I fell in love with a man who turned out to be gay. That was perhaps the reason why he knew exactly what to say everytime. Maybe I was an experiment. But we were inseparable buddies back in the office. When I realized I was falling already, I started to distance myself. He asked why and came even closer until we were kind of dating (in my mind at least). We would stroll amusement parks holding hands, and stuff that bf/gfs do…hang out I mean. We didn’t go beyond holding hands and eating out together and feeding each other in public. I was like: “What the heck! I don’t want to regret it.”
Of course it did not last for long. I gave him hints that I liked him and started to move away. I always seem to find love at work, so I decided to quit work to protect my feelings. I know it is a very immature way of dealing with things but I couldn’t think of any other way than run and hide. That was less painful and I recovered faster. It did not take me five years to finally forget…maybe just a few months. I enrolled in a caregiving class and it made things better. There’s a new plan inside my head.
My relatives in Canada told me they were gonna help me process my papers for faster entry. A new environment was waiting. I did my part only to find out they haven’t been doing theirs so I had no choice but to stay home and work instead. I did attempted to work on it on my own but the laws keep changing. I don’t want to go back to the office.
So I lived my life contented, free to do what I wanted to do, free to work, and just save for my future just in case I grow old alone. I was kind of in the process of accepting I was put on Earth to provide and just love people. I believed that home is the safest place I can be.
And then something happened. It was beautiful during the first few months. I met someone online and our professional relationship progressed to flirting. I didn’t see it coming. My first line: “God, what is this?” No answer of course. I planned to just enjoy it and never go so deep. But things went out of control. Now I just got off Skype to say farewell after almost one and a half years of semi-non-stop chatting.
It hurts now. I wanted to stay and see it through the end but the other party is clearly not intent on taking it to the next level. It’s all about the body and not the soul. I wanted to cover all elements and I have fallen in love. I know it’s not just with an idea but the whole thing. I talked to a wonderful person everyday during the first few months, he gave me a peek into his world, I gave him a peek into mine. Things were good but we had to face reality I guess and consider it’s just not meant to be. His fire has stopped burning while I keep my torch well-fueled with hopes and prayers.
I am in love. Of course I was hoping he would feel the same way. Maybe not now but in the future when we finally meet. I didn’t get to explore that possibility because we put an end to it. It’s the fear. I hate to blindside him as well. He migh feel kind of betrayed if I gave hime the impression that casual relationship is ok with me when it is really not.
Would you do what I did or take a chance and see how it works out? I am stupid, I know. But if this guy really likes me, he would have asked me to wait until we meet. Just that tiny inkling of hope would have convinced me to revoke my resignation; that willingness to see how everything works out. But he is decided to stay just for a few weeks, maybe two, and leave again without even considering. Pure flirting. Do I really want that?
Well, honestly, I am a very sensual person who would not reject two weeks of great sex? I just want to do it with someone I am hoping to be with for the rest of my life. With the way things are going, with his kind of mentality, I am not sure he would want the same. This is me protecting myself.
I expected too much and it’s all on me. He led me on in a way but perhaps that was normal where he comes from. I don’t know. Right now, I just want to be happy. So happy that I would forget that I had been so lonely once; so happy that I would forget about all the pain. I just want to forget…