One man once said to me, “I will never give up…” Clearly, that’s not true because he gave up at the first sign of my weakness. Suddenly, it’s the distance, then the resources, then this and that. If he really won’t give up on me, he won’t no matter what happens. But the moment I said ‘goodbye,’ he said the same. And that got my heart broken.
I am tempted to ask God why pain should follow me when I already pointed out to him that I am ok being alone as soon as he took me out of the dark? But I try not to. My mentor/friend said faithlessness is one of the things that bring people to hell. It makes sense so I believe her.
Working is a drag. The weather is gloomy, with grey skies covering the horizon. It seems fitting. The occasional rainshowers make matters worse. My sister visited with her hubby and my niece today. She’s been convincing me to finance her Brazilian blow dry.
“Later, after work…”
“No, you fool.”
“Aweee…I know you’re lying!”
“Later…after work,” a faint smile.
“Why do you look so sad?”
“Maybe because I am?”
It’s pretty much a challenge to carry on a conversation with her but it helps to talk. I just could not tell her what really was bothering me. It would not matter. So I just asked her instead: “And what happened again?” I knew that look on her face.
“Oh, it’s bad news.”
“Of course, otherwise I won’t ask.”
And then the story goes. Sometimes, listening to other people’s problems helps deduce yours; that you are still lucky you are not in that position. My problem is not that big anyway. I just got rejected, disappointed, and broken hearted. The cause of my sadness is nothing compared to those of other people who don’t have homes and food for a whole day; or those that are out of school.
It is still sad, but I am trying to use the energy left in me to accomplish whatever the things I need to. I like my work, should I say works. My female client has me modifying websites; the other lets me design T-shirts and do other stuff did not know was possible on the net. So I am learning.
My job with my former boss also was something I liked doing — social media stuff, writing, hyperlinks, and a bunch of other things. The website was my baby and I am honestly going to miss it. Too bad I can’t maintain a business relationship with him. He can do that. I can’t. It is easier for him to pretend that nothing happened while it would hurt me to see how our relationship went downhill. We did not really have a proper relationship but it was definitely more than employee-boss, which I miss so much.
It is too late now. I am pretty sure he can forget everything that easily because none of them mattered since the beginning. It meant nothing to him while it meant almost everything to me. I still prayed this morning for my faster ‘recovery’ and for his happiness and success as well. I know he is a good person and deserves the best things in life.
Meanwhile, I managed to finish some of the tasks assigned to me by my other client, who is 100% cool and kind. In fact, she allowed me to take a break tomorrow despite the workload. These people are blessings that we should never take for granted. It sucks to be taken for granted.
So I am just looking forward to meeting my friends again. We’ve been holding get-togethers for the past two weeks and I could not seem to get enough. Sometimes, when I am out, I don’t want to go back home or at least wait until it is almost midnight. The road has a different impact on my mood. It just gets better.
I tried to stay away from Skype of course, prevented myself from logging in. Just the sound of an incoming message ticks me so I muted them. Before, when I heard that sound, I would get excited. Things have changed now. And that is how far we’ve come.
I still miss him but I need to do what I gotta do to be able to move on. Days will be too slow but I believe soon enough, my heart will turn red again. My life will be back to the way it used to be, hopefully without my brain messing up with my behavior once in a while.
I know how my body chemistry works. I know very well what will happen to me so I try to get everything under control. I am not young anymore. Time is very limited when it comes to living so I need to get back on my feet fast. I need to forgive myself and forget what is gone…
I also contacted my friend who dragged me into setting up a new business but ‘went rogue.’ I was not mad at her but I just wish she told me her plans. It’s better than making me expect. We discussed matters, she was apologetic, and I was receptive. One ‘sorry’ can turn things around.
I think I just have to get used to family matters. I mean, I love them. Perhaps I got burnt out, they got into my nerves easily, in part due to my heart problems, but I love them so much. I just need more time…
Come what may. I am fearful and a little depressed but life must go on. It will go on. And I need to trust God no matter what. I will be over it very soon…